I don’t understand why some women feel the need to put other women down, specifically when it comes to beauty/weight/body images. Is the media to blame for a lot of the bullshit that women see everyday that depicts society’s definition of beauty? Sure it is. But let’s parse that for a bit–media is a function (…or product? I don’t know if that’s the right word, but you know what I mean) of society, and society is made up PEOPLE. So as much as some women like to put the blame on the media or society for allowing airbrushed pictures of models and celebrities dictate what is considered beautiful, I feel the need to also point out that women are a part of the vicious cycle too.
Like, why do some women have to say nasty shit and put another woman down about her appearance if she is thinner than they are or more attractive? If I see a hot girl on the street, do I want to be her? Of course! But am I saying to myself in a nasty way that she’s dressed like a whore (no judgment though; let’s not be the pot calling the kettle black–I like to get all whored up when I go out, too!) or that she probably had work done? No! In fact, it’s the opposite! If I see a hot girl on the street or in a magazine, I’m like, “WERK YOUR SHIT, GIRL!!! GET IT!!!” I think it’s great and lucky for whoever that badass bitch is, and I don’t like to spread the hate. So I don’t understand why some women can’t just recognize another beautiful woman and give her her props without making it about their own self-image. You don’t know what Hot Girl’s story is–maybe she’s naturally lean/built, in which case you can’t do nothin’ about it; maybe she got work done…so the fuck what?! Save your money and get your own work done, or if you’re not down with that and are all about being au naturale, then don’t hate on other women who aren’t, because it’s a lifestyle choice that ISN’T yours; maybe Hot Girl is so skinny because she has an eating disorder, in which case you shouldn’t ridicule her for it, but support your fellow chick because eating disorders are a serious thing; or maybe your girl just WORKS HER ASS OFF working out and dieting in efforts to take care of herself, and if that’s the case, then show some respect because that shit is HARD! I try to work out and eat healthy, and even I feel like I am nowhere near where some women are with their routines, and I give mad respect! Anyone that tells you that shit is easy is selling you a crash diet and doesn’t know what the fuck they are talking about because if it was easy, everyone would be fit!
And on the opposite side of that argument, why do some skinny girls (’cause let’s be real, a lot of the locker room cattiness that we all remember from high school came from the skinny girls in the “cool” clique that thought their shit didn’t stink) feel it’s ok to perpetuate negativity towards girls that don’t have that same self-confidence (although really in their case it’s more like arrogance) or aren’t as skinny as they are? As I said before, some women are genetically a certain size/shape/weight. Some women are happy and confident in their own skin, working with and loving what they’ve got, and don’t have insecurities that they need to push off on other people. Some women recognize their own beauty as something that doesn’t have to be defined by a number on a scale and realize that their own happiness is what matters most. And some women might want to make a change and need help, but instead of helping your fellow chick and being a workout or support buddy, you’re over there with the fuckin’ Mean Girls calling her fat. It’s amazing to me how some women can complain about how deeply a man can hurt their self-esteem, and yet unfortunately they are sometimes the same women who don’t realize they did the same thing to another woman when they were just girls in that high school locker room. They’re just as bad as the magazines.
So all that being said, I find it sad and shameful that some women feel the need to raise themselves up by putting other women down. That kind of behavior is a reflection on YOU and not on the person you are criticizing. At the end of the day (to loosely quote The Art of Racing in the Rain), your failures and successes are controlled by none other than yourself. So if you have things about yourself (physically or otherwise) that you are unhappy about, the solution is to take steps to fix it and make a change, NOT to judge others who don’t have the same issues. Yes, making changes of any sort is hard, but no one is gonna do it for you but you. Don’t complain about the things you’re not willing to do anything about or accept, and don’t put that shit on other people. That shit’s just not right.
On the flip side, I think that part of gaining confidence and finding happiness with yourself is learning to recognize and accept the things about ourselves (our bodies, our personalities, our lives) that we CANNOT change. If you spend your life focusing on what you can’t change, not only do you fail to see the beauty in other parts of your life (or yourself, literally), but you will always be miserable. And who wants that mojo?
Another thing I want to point out: the double standard of fat vs. skinny bitches. And I use these terms lovingly and jokingly to add some light-hearted irreverence to what I’m about to say because I know some people might take it the wrong way. Please know I don’t mean it in any kind of way, and that I’m just trying to bring up something I’ve observed: if a skinny girl says anything remotely negative about another girl being overweight (or god forbid, say the “F” [FAT] word), in the words of Shahs of Sunset‘s Lilly Ghalichi, she’s killed. But if an overweight girl (note, I’m even leery of using the “F” word now) says a skinny girl doesn’t eat, is anorexic, has an eating disorder, etc., it’s fine. No one says shit about it. But you know what? It’s not fine. It’s an unfair double standard first of all, and again, things like eating disorders are no laughing matter. So again I ask, why’s it gotta be dat way?
I’m definitely not long and lean and leggy, but yes, I am petite. I am 5 feet tall and about 98 pounds. But 1.) I’ve always been petite and 2.) I work out and try to watch my diet as best I can. I mean, you can flip it around because the grass is always greener: yeah, I’m small, but I’m Asian so I have no ass, and (unlike the rest of my family) I have no boobs. I could probably go into Aerie right now and buy a training bra. These are just some of the things that I know I can and can’t control, and so I focus on what I got. So guess what? It FUCKIN’ HURTS when you say I need to eat a cheeseburger (I do on occasion, thank-you-very-much). It’s FUCKIN’ INSULTING when you say I don’t eat. And it’s FUCKIN’ ANNOYING when you write off my workouts and say I’m a nut (although admittedly, I can be). Don’t like it? Don’t like what I post? Then don’t read it! Don’t go out to eat with me! Don’t follow me on social media! My point is, I’m doing my own thing and I’m not criticizing YOU, so why you gotta spread your hate to me? You don’t know my story, and you don’t know my body; just like I don’t know yours or pretend to.
Earlier I quoted Lilly Ghalichi from Shahs of Sunset. If you know who she is, then you know she’s rail thin. And if you follow her Instagram, you also know she gets mad hate for being so thin. People–mostly women, of course–comment on her page how she’s anoroxic, she needs to eat, and they call her all sorts of horrible names. But if you watch the Bravo series (which clearly a lot of these people don’t), you’d see that Lilly is actually one of the only ones on the show that is always eating. First of all, she is one of those people who has always been skinny; its just her body type. Her sister is like that, too. She has her cheat days like everyone else (she likes to go to In-N-Out!), but for the most part, she eats healthy, and she is always working out with a personal trainer. Anyway, my point is that the grass may seem greener on the other side, but you don’t always know what goes into keeping that grass green.
But let’s not just talk about skinny bitches. Let’s talk about some curvy ones. Now, I know a lot of people hate Kim K, but whatever, I like her and she’s perfect for my next example. Kim has curves for dayyyyyssss. Would I want to have to deal with the drama of finding jeans that fit my ass if I had a big one like she did? Probably not. But on the flip side, as someone sans curves, I have a hard time finding clothes that fit me overall because I’m small (I have been known to buy children’s clothes–true story). But would I love to have a big ass that looks bangin’ in a tight dress and be able to motorboat somebody?! Fuck, yeah! There’s an episode of Kim and Kourtney Take Miami where Kim tells Kourtney (who was concerned about losing her baby weight since Scott had been making comments about it) while they are working out that what matters is just being happy with yourself. And I totally agree! I think it’s horrible that people are so quick to call her fat, especially now when she’s pregnant. She’s not fat; she’s carrying life and growing and she is happy! I think she’s beautiful no matter what size she is, and that all women are and that we all should feel that way, pregnant or not! If anything, I think that any criticisms about her look now (because even I admit she’s had many a fashion faux pas lately) come from the fact that she’s trying too hard to be something she’s not–ie, dressing for her old, pre-pregnancy shape–which is a result of her not accepting that which she can’t control at the moment. You’re pregnant, girl! This is the one time you can wear a moo-moo and say it’s couture! You don’t need to try to squeeze into the shit you wore pre-knock up! Just be yourself, embrace where you’re at, and be happy like you said! I mean, didn’t Audrey say that happy girls are the prettiest?
…which brings me to my last point: skinny, fat, tall, short, black, yellow, purple–you are only ugly if you have an ugly personality. If you’re full of haterade or self-loathing coupled with a refusal to change your life, lifestyle, or thinking, then your heart’s ugliness and unhappiness will show in everything you do…including how you perceive and treat other people. So don’t blame it on the media; you’re part of the problem. The second you bring someone else down, you allow for that person or people like that person to perpetuate the same hate in your direction. And that’s bullshit. Instead of being catty and putting our unhappiness with ourselves on other people, we as women should support each other and encourage either! We should point out the beauty in each other both inside and out, and accept and respect each other’s individual life choices about how we treat our bodies and view ourselves. We are our own worst critics really; you can’t blame the dudes all the time, let’s be real. So instead of pointing out each other’s flaws, we should celebrate our individuality and support one another. Because it’s hard enough just being woman as it is, isn’t it?
Learn to love yourself, and you will be able to truly love others.